Breakthrough

Negative things have happened in my life that deeply impacted me. Others got blamed for and in trouble, because of me not being truthful to them or others. I isolated myself from friends and I am sure it caused them to dislike me. However, for whatever reason I was always chosen first, to be a  leader, an example of the best. 

But deep inside I knew I was living a lie at school, at home, and in the community.  I thought I was living the best, but in actuality I was very deceitful.  Years of my life were lived given over to lies and manipulation masked in religion and doing what was right.

WHY, was I liked or thought I was liked by many, but did not like myself. I disconnected  myself from my feelings, family and faith. Disobedience, disrespect, deception was in me--it was me. I closed my heart, my emotions and feelings off to myself and my family at their expense.

All my life I cared for and worked for others and now tired and weary with the whirlwind of life and the whirlwind of words that I allowed to control me. I wanted out, but I was stuck! WHY? WHY ME?

When I chose to begin this journey it took days to “breakthrough” to feel my feelings and acknowledge that I had some deep, dark places that needed to be brought to light, things that I had pushed back in my mind, and did not want to remember. Painful words, memories and times in my life that had shaped me into the person I had become.

I had to face my excuses...of failure. I could have done better, however, due to circumstances, I was forced and have been forced to be in survival mode.

I had to face my issues...of being guarded. I have been deceitful “to look good” and appear be okay in the eyes of my family, church, and community.

I had to face my feelings...of disappointment. I have been overwhelemed by one let down after another.

I had to face my expectations…of the future. I have thoughts of how things would go and flow in my life and believed things would have changed by now.

When I began to allow myself to recall these areas of my life—I wept and wept-- I began to see all the negative things that had deeply impacted me. It was if I had been blind, deaf and desensitized all of my life up unto this point of my life.

And the crazy, bizarre thing to think about now is that I was a “grown” woman according to the world’s standards.  I was a well-educated, productive, and overall great person.  I have a Master’s degree in Education, fed, clothed and tried to the best of my ability to take care of 6 other humans and myself for 27 years of my life.  

However, in hindsight, I stopped becoming and growing into who I was intended to become a long, long, time ago. When I realized and was awakened to my dark places effecting me now- I wanted to change, I longed to make the choice to change. I was tired, sick and tired of doing the same things the same way and thinking things would change.

What painful areas of your life do you need to uncover and  acknowledge? Are you ready for a Breakthrough?

I AM Intentional in my Thoughts, Words, and Actions. I wake up every morning and choose to be Awake, Aware, Alive, and Alert and Live Intentionally, Open with Margins in my Life. #g2g2day

“Be Better, Not Bitter”

The thought, in hindsight, the totally life-changing thought came to me— I am going to choose to “Be Better, not Bitter” throughout this transition of my life. Although, the thought came to me, I still had to ACT on the thought (I am so grateful & thankful that I did).

I made a big choice—to be better, not bitter over the circumstances and words that were spoken over me which I had no control over. It truly was a divine intervention—all my life I was concerned of what others thought of me. How did they want me to be, do, act, and serve? Thinking back about my thoughts and the words that came out of my mouth: “I can be who you want me to be; I can be that person, mom, friend, etc.”

However, in hindsight how could I be anything? How could I be a good wife, mother, friend, or teacher? My whole life I had spent doing, performing and serving, but little did I know/realize that although I felt this brought joy and served others well- it was an endless cycle of emptiness, busyness, and I was not pleasant for anyone to be around.

I had a hole in my heart and in my soul that I was trying to fill--- an invisible hole on the inside. I did not think that anyone could see it and the most interesting thing was I did not even know it myself or see it. However, this hole was obviously apparent to all. An uneasiness, never resting me, it brought chaos and a lack of peace to me, my family, and my life.

I chose to be selfish (if you will) for the first time in my life. I purposed to take care of me, and desired to change the live the way I had lived all my life—pushing, hiding, and not allowing myself to feel my feelings and deal with unresolved issues in me. I set to discipline myself for 30 days and address the deep, dark places that I did not want to uncover.

What I discovered and saw was a glimpse of myself and realized that there was only one person in this world I can change, and it was ME!!!

Although, you have no control of the circumstances and words that have been spoken over you— You do have the choice to “Be Better, not Bitter” What do you choose?

I AM Intentional in my Thoughts, Words, and Actions. I wake up every morning and choose to be Awake, Aware, Alive, and Alert and Live Intentionally, Open with Margins in my Life. #g2g2day

Words that Changed ‘My World'

Words, Words, Words, Words, Words… WORDS are Inescapable!!!!!

We are surrounded (inundated, bombarded, overwhelmed, engulfed) with words, everywhere we go, and with everyone we meet. Even in the absence of people and silence; we still continue to hear, listen, and allow the ‘Words in our Thoughts’ to shape how we think, speak, and act.

Beautiful words can be uplifting: however, words can cut deep and change your entire world in an instant.

Words that have been spoken to me, over me, and the lies I had believed about myself in my thoughts…. Blamed by others, Not Vulnerable, Busy, Not Fun, No Emotions, Put everyone else first, Not able to relax, Keep people at a distance, Performance, Not present, Not appreciated, Controlling people and circumstances, Competition, Connection issues...

...then my spouse of 27 years tells me "I don’t see myself with you for the next 20-30 years!" These words cut through to the very depths of me!

The question I asked him daily, “Do you feel any different?” The next day the same question and this went on for over 40 days!!!  The answer came back the same every time, “No, I don't feel any different and I am sorry to hurt you" he said. 

The WORDS hurt me, I wanted to DO something, anything, to make it all disappear and for ‘My World’ to come back into order...so I could finish and enjoy life the way “I” had planned.

I had no feeling, numb to life and the world around me…Life as I knew it in the past and what I hoped it would look like in the future was quickly jerked away from me. I was at the lowest point of my life---I questioned myself—what could I DO for others to like me, not reject me? 

Was I going to believe the words that I had 'lived' the past 48 years OR choose to live another way...

What words and lies have you believed and allowed to shape you into who you have become?

I AM Intentional in my Thoughts, Words, and Actions. I wake up every morning and choose to be Awake, Aware, Alive, and Alert and Live Intentionally, Open with Margins in my Life. #g2g2day

Morning! It is Time...

 As I sit here…. I would have never thought, dreamed or imagined that I would have been writing my story to share with anyone. I believe that ALL the Good, Bad, and Ugly experiences in my life serve me; not only to grow and change me, but to change the "World!"

"World" is defined by Webster's as the earth, all of the people, societies, and institutions on earth.  However, I define the “World” as: “my family, friends, co-workers, and people I meet in the market place."   I began to ask myself what difference am I making in ‘My World's’ lives? Could sharing my story help anyone? I  answered myself, "Yes, if I don't tell my story, who will?"

I choose to share my journey, life story so that I may BE an encouragement to the brokenhearted, Life to those who have Given Up, and a Radiant Giver of God’s Amazing Grace to ALL who are seeking to find PEACE, LOVE,  and JOY!

My journal writing  over the past five years has  brought me to such a "TIME" as this!!!

 We ALL have a 'my story', just as no two people have the same fingerprints... no two people are on the same path on their life journey.

If you don't tell your story who will?

I AM Intentional in my Thoughts, Words, and Actions. I wake up every morning and choose to be Awake, Aware, Alive, and Alert and Live Intentionally, Open with Margins in my Life. #g2g2day